faith · Lifestyle

The disappointment of non-existent signs

Over the last couple of years, my family has been through several ups and downs when it comes to money. On particularly hard days, days where there is more red in my bank account than I ever thought possible or yet another bill comes in the mail, I have always been able to seek solace in scripture. More often than not, a bill will come and I will feel myself fall into a pit of despair, only to have that day’s readings guide me back to the light.

Today was not one of those days.

I thought, “Sarah, eat your lunch and read today’s readings and just know He is taking care of it all.” But the peace didn’t come. Today’s scriptures just left me confused. They felt substance-less. Disappointment heaped onto even more disappointment. Where was my sign?! Where was my assurance that our hard work and trials would pay off in the end?

Anxiety consumed me. “I need to find a second job. But I don’t spend enough time with my family as it is. Well I’ll just have to find something I can do online from home and do it while V is sleeping. I don’t get enough sleep as it is. But we all have to sacrifice sometimes right?” My mind just couldn’t stop. It couldn’t find peace.

I tried to think of the situation from different perspectives. We have our health. I have a beautiful family and a duplex that exceeds our needs. We are close to family. I have a job I love and that I learn so much from. But even trying to talk myself out of the anxiety and depression didn’t work. My justifications, my “you don’t know what He has planned”s did nothing to assuage the heart-racing, stomach-turning anxiety that had consumed me.

So I started writing. I don’t feel any better yet but it feels good to get it down.

Lord, please give me the strength to find solutions when all I want to do is despair. Help me to trust in your goodness and promise. Help me to always accept hardships with trust in You. Help me to quell the fear that threatens to consume me and steal the happiness I find in the life You have promised me. You, who delivered the Israelites out of Egypt, help me to always find hope and be not afraid, knowing You will deliver me from all fear and tribulation as well. In Your loving name, Amen. 

How do you get through those big issues that steal your happiness? How do you find peace and contentment when your life feels like it is just one giant roller coaster? What are some of your favorite prayers when you are looking for peace and calm (or financial help!)?

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